


Tadpole, Hellspawn

by redsprite



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Accidental Child Acquisition, Baby Hastur, Hey look it's me with another, I Don't Know Either, I didn't tag Character Death but Ligur is dead, Ineffable Aces?, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), M/M, Maggot Husbands, Multi, Other, Uncle Hastur, and everyone is losing their mind, anyway Aziraphale and Crowley raise Baby Hastur, can it be fluff when Hastur is there?, don't ask me, ineffable husbands, maybe? - Freeform, sorry Hastur, sorry Ligur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-10-28 19:54:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20784206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsprite/pseuds/redsprite
Summary: Hell drops another demon baby on Crowley. Hastur wants it dead. But that is only the start of their problems.





	1. Demon babies aren't brought by the stork

**Author's Note:**

> I only wanted to write a cute kidfic, and suddenly it all got political. This is a guilty pleasure fic or, as I call it, a warm-up for writing more polished stuff. This is not polished. Almost nothing here gets changed or edited, I just go where the story takes me. I am as surprised as any of you, maybe even more surprised, about what happens here. Not planning ahead!  
Come for Baby Hastur, stay for... I don't know. Complicated Hastur backstory and political intrigues around Adam? Anyway, good luck, and have fun!

Crowley has no idea how Lord Beelzebub, Prince of Hell, has managed to simply stomp into the cottage that he and Aziraphale have meticulously warded against agents of Hell. Lord Beelzebub doesn’t look hostile, but Crowley doesn’t like the sight of his former boss at all. Not in general, and certainly not in his home, and most of all not when they bring another blessed basket. At least Aziraphale isn’t home, so whatever unpleasant things Beelzebub is here to do, Aziraphale won’t have to see them.

As usual, Beelzebub doesn’t make too many words.

“Crowley.”

Crowley doesn’t bother bowing. Not any more.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I’ve got something for you.” Beelzebub holds the basket in his direction, and when he doesn’t take it, put it on the kitchen table.

Crowley glares at the basket. “Not again!” he moans.

Beelzebub gives him a disapproving stare. “It’s not Lucifer’s. He wouldn’t let you mess up his kid twice in a row.”

“Whose is it? Not… yours?”

“No,” says Beelzebub. “It’s Hastur’s.”

“Hastur?!?” Immediately, Crowley moves a few steps away from this mess.

“Crowley, you once raised the son of Satan, and didn’t make such a fuzz.”

Crowley makes a disgusted face. “I happen to like Lucifer a whole lot more than Hastur. Why me?”

“Because you deserve it.”

“What?”

The tiniest smile appeares on Lord Beelzebub’s face for a second. “Hastur’s words. He doesn’t want the baby. Tried to kill it, and is pretty mad at me because I don’t let him. He said you should have it then, because it’s your fault. Is there something you have forgotten to tell me, Crowley?”

Crowley suddenly feels like letting out a good Hastur-style shriek.

“Is it mine? It can’t be mine.”

“It’s yours now. Try keeping it alive, and ward your house against Hastur. He might still want to finish the little tadpole off.”

“I don’t work for Hell anymore. You can’t just come in here and leave work for me. You promised to leave me alone.”

“And you believed that.”

Crowley gives his former boss an angry look, but there’s nothing he could say against that. He had thought that promise had been a pact. A contract. Obviously not.

Beelzebub nods. “That’s settled then. Crowley. You have a reputation for being smart. Uze your head, think. Oh… and congratulations. A new demon is a moment of glory. You should be proud.”

Getting a new job from Hell is bad enough. Getting a pep talk from Hell is the worst. Simply the worst. The basket can’t compete.

“Yeah. Proud.”

“I’ll drop by from time to time to check on the little tadpole. Remember, keep it away from Hastur.”

Without a word of good-bye, they vanish from Crowley’s kitchen. 

+

When Aziraphale comes back to the cottage a few hours later, humming and in a good mood, Crowley still hasn’t moved. He still just stands there and stares at the basket. He’s done none of the things Beelzebub has told him to do. Hasn’t warded the house. Hasn’t done anything to keep the baby alive. Hasn’t used his head. At all.

“Crowley?”

Crowley finally pries his eyes from the dreadful thing on their table. He tries to find words. He can’t not answer Aziraphale. 

“Mrrrk… yes?”

“Crowley, what’s wrong? You look terrible, what happened?”

The warm gaze from Aziraphale’s eyes unfreezes something inside him, and he finally has words again.

“Lord Beelzebub was here.”

“What? Are you hurt?”

“Just my pride, I guess. They dropped another baby on me.”

“Oh dear.” Aziraphale goes pale. “Again?”

Crowley tries a calming smile, but he doubts anything about him is calming today. 

“No, not that again. Not another Antichrist. Just another baby demon.”

Aziraphale frowns in disbelief.

“Demons have babies?”

“No, we don’t. We really don’t.”

Use your head. He’s starting to, slowly. “It doesn’t make sense,” he says. “Apart from Lucifer, no demon has ever spawned a baby. Except this one.”

He leaves out the bit of information about it being his fault. Because that doesn’t make sense either.

Aziraphale takes a deep breath and opens the lid of the basket. Instantly, the sweetest of smiles lightens up his face. “Aww, look at this cutie.”

Crowley does as he’s told and looks inside the basket. There’s a glass bowl in it, full of water, and Beelzebub wasn’t kidding when they said the little one is a tadpole. Because it is. A big one, as big as Crowley’s hand, dark green, with some vivid, brighter green shimmering through in some places. Just a blob, really, with a long tail, swimming in what little space it has.

Crowley absolutely doesn’t have the adoring reaction that Aziraphale had. The tadpole isn’t really very pretty. Or cute. But yeah. It’s just a stupid little thing who didn’t ask for this.

“Hastur’s trying to kill it,” he says. “We need more wards on the house.”

“What?” Aziraphale is scandalized. As if he’s never met Hastur before. Wait, has he? Crowley has a hard time with coherent thoughts right now. But yeah. At the trial. Hastur has been the prosecutor at Crowley’s trial, and Aziraphale has given a vivid description of how intensely vengeful he’s been. 

“Why would he want to kill it?” asks Aziraphale, who simply doesn’t get it. After thousands of years on Earth, he still can’t believe the basic concept of cruelty. Crowley is mad at Hell for confronting Azirphale with it right in the middle of their home. Aziraphale didn’t ask for this either. Be he asked for an explanation, and Crowley has an answer.

“It’s his, and he doesn’t want it.”

“What?” shrieks Aziraphale, as if this doesn’t make any sense. 

“You’ve met him. What kind of a dad material is he, would you think?”

“But it’s a baby…” 

Crowley shrugs, and Aziraphale gives up on argueing, and Crowley is glad for it. He isn’t in the mood to explain Hastur. A very determined glint comes into Aziraphale’s eyes. 

“I’m going to fortify the wards around the garden and the house, and then we’re going to set up a nice little aquarium for our little guest.”

Crowley nods and sits on the table, his eyes on the little tadpole. He’s glad Aziraphale is on board with it. At least one of them is. Slowly, his head starts dealing with the situation again.

How is this my fault? He thinks. Why does Hastur blame me for this? It’s been ages since he’s had his hands on me. I can’t be a part of this thing. 

But how can he be sure? He knows absolutely nothing about how demons spawn. All demons he’s ever known have been angels before. Except for Adam, Lucifer’s son. And Lucifer had been very, very quiet about how he’s gotten him. Adam has human shape. Crowley had always suspected that there was a human mother involved with the Antichrist, as it was with the original Christ. But Lucifer is very resourceful, and very resentful. He might have wanted to do his own thing.

That still doesn’t explain how Hastur did it. Or why this is Crowley’s fault.

Uze your head. 

But Crowley doesn’t want to. If he’s honest, he doesn’t want to know what the little demon’s deal is. So they have a baby to look after now. Well. Just when he thought he was getting over Warlock.  
It isn’t fair. But yeah. Hastur is involved, so the whole thing was going to get unpleasant. 

What does a demon tadpole need? Water, apparently. But it probably is just for show. Demons don’t need food, water, or oxygen, or anything really. With some luck, the little thing just needs to be kept away from its father.

“Does it have a name?” asks Aziraphale when he was back. 

Crowley shakes his head. “There was no name mentioned.”

Aziraphale smiles. “We’ll give it a name. We can’t just call it Baby.”

“Beelzebub called it Little Tadpole.”

“Oh, I think we can do better.”

“No Saint’s name.”

“You mean, like Anthony?” Aziraphale will never be over it. Never. 

“Seriously. Even if it would be perfect to annoy Hastur. Don’t saddle a demon baby with a name that has holiness attached somehow. It could take damage. Tadpole is fine.”

“Oh, come on, Crowley.”

“No, I mean it. Tadpole.”

Aziraphale relents and smiles again. “Very well, if you insist. Taddie. Taddie Fell or Taddie Crowley?”

Crowley recoils from the idea like he would recoil from Hastur’s touch.

“Definitely not Crowley.”

“Taddie Fell then. Hello Taddie.”

Crowley sighes deeply. Somehow, this isn’t a good idea. What was Lord Beelzebub thinking? What, coming to think of it, was Hastur thinking, sending him the kid, saying it was his fault? How?

Aziraphale, who has no concept of how fast his joy and love can overwhelm a demon, still has a soppy smile on when he reaches into the basket to touch Taddie. The little demon’s bright green accents suddenly flash a warning orange as it tries to escape that big hand, and finally bites it.

“Ouch!” says Aziraphale and draws his hand back.

“Fuck!” yelles Crowley and hits the table so hard with his hand that the basket jumps.

Aziraphale jumps too. “No need to be so upset,” he stammers. “I’m not hurt.”

But Crowley is livid. “How dare he! How did he even!”

Crowley storms out into the garden.

Aziraphale swallows nervously, but then puts a smile on his face again and bends over the basket. “He didn’t want to startle you, little Taddie,” he purrs. “Let’s see if we can’t miracle up a nice aquarium for you where you have lots of space to wiggle around and have a great time!”

+

Seeing Taddie swim around in a new, big aquarium, colors all reverting to greens, does a lot to cheer Aziraphale up again. But someone else needs cheering up, and Aziraphale takes a bottle of wine and two glasses, straightens his back, and walks out into the garden, looking for Crowley.

He finds him sitting in the last rays of the evening sun on one of their garden benches, and looking absolutely miserable. From what Aziraphale can see of his eyes, they had become big, yellow snake eyes with no whites, something Aziraphale hasn’t seen on him for quite a while. It’s very alarming.

Aziraphale offers him a glass of wine, and Crowley takes it, but doesn’t drink. 

Aziraphale sits next to him.

“Taddie has calmed down and is doing well. I got him an aquarium.”

Crowley just grunts something.

Aziraphale takes a sip of wine. “I really wish they’d leave you alone. I thought I had made myself clear last time.”

Crowley agrees silently, finally drinking some wine, too. It doesn’t do a lot to calm him down, but it holds the promise that he might later get drunk enough to forget what a bad idea this all is.

“You don’t have to bother with Taddie if it upsets you so much. I can look after him.”

Crowled growls. “It’s not your job. The job was given to me. A little reminder that Hastur isn’t going to forget about me any time soon.”

“He’s still very angry.”

Crowley sneers. “Feeling’s mutual.”

“Can I ask you something, Crowley? I was thinking about Adam, you know. The Son of Satan. We never, ever got a hint of demon off him, and you thought it was because he has good celestial camouflage. But I was wondering. If he was a truly newborn celestial being, would he even be Fallen? Would Taddie be?”

Crowly stares at him. “What?”

Various complicated thoughts show in Aziraphale’s face, as usual. “I mean. Humans inherit their ancestor’s sin. But that was a punishment explicitly put upon them. I’ve never heard about angels or demons having that.”

“You mean Adam and Taddie could be angels?”

Aziraphale nods.

Crowled downs his whole glass of wine in one go. “Poor things.”

“Crowley!”

“I mean it, Aziraphale. I wouldn’t wish being an angel on my worst enemy. The Almighty can still punish me in any way possible, and sometimes does, but at least I don’t have to pretend I’m grateful for it.”

Aziraphale closes his eyes for a moment. It hurts, because it’s true. It’s different for Aziraphale though. Who has lost his faith, but still hasn’t Fallen. It seems the Almighty hasn’t lost faith in him. “I’m not grateful for bad things to happen either, Crowley. There’s more to being an angel than that.”

“Do you really think Adam – the Antichrist, for fuck’s sake – is an angel?”

Azirphale sighed. “I think he was his own thing. A celestial being, certainly. But he’s neither Heaven’s, nor Hell’s. Taddie is a baby, right? What would he have done in his short life that would have merited a Fall?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say that Hastur has enough evil intentions for two demons or more. But what are we going to do to find out? Feed the tadpole some diluted Holy Water and see how bad it gets? Not a good idea.”

“Of course not. Crowley! But Taddie was given to us, who don’t have a side anymore. Maybe Taddie can be on our side.”

Aziraphale can’t help but smile at the idea. For the first time, Crowley has a feeling this could actually work. Raising Hastur’s baby demon for Hell, no. No. Absolutely not. Raising a third side celestial being tho? That has Aziraphale’s name? 

“Yes, angel. That sounds better. We can give it a try.”

+

“Have you killed it yet?” grumbles a low voice from the shadows. They didn’t hear him coming. Hastur is a master lurker. He has to lurk at them from outside the garden though. The wards seem to hold.

“Fuck off, Hastur!” yells Crowley. “You don’t want it, why don’t you keep away from it?”

“I want it dead. Hand it over before I force my way in!”

“Good Lord,” breathes Aziraphale, snaps his fingers and the wards around the garden light up. They hear a furious shriek, and then the sound of a demon burrowing his way back into the earth.


	2. Demon days

During the next day, Aziraphale talks and hums and sings to the tadpole, and gives it loving smiles. Crowley only sits on a kitchen chair and watches it. It doesn’t seem to do well. It seems to become a bit lethargic. Crowley doesn’t like it.

“Maybe dial it down a bit, angel,” he says. “Could be a bit much for a demon, all that sweetness.”

“You need to talk to him too, then,” says Aziraphale. “To keep him balanced.”

Crowley makes a face, but Aziraphale is right. Still, he waits until Aziraphale is out of the room before he saunters over to the aquarium, takes his glasses off and glares at the thing.

“If you take after your father, you probably need something else,” he murmurs, thinking aloud. “But I have no idea what that would be. Are you okay, little one?”

He reaches into the water, trying to lift the tadpole up to watch him from up close, and get a feel for him. Him, Aziraphale has for now decided it’s a boy, unless the kid signals otherwise. The moment he touches the tadpole, its tiny pointy teeth sink into his hand, and he quickly pulls his hand back, only to see the little one frantically moving where his hand was, trying to catch every bit of the drop of his black blood that spilled into the water.

“Oh,” says Crowley. “I see. That’s how it is, hm?”

He puts the hand back in, and hisses softly when the little teeth pierce his skin again. The bites are tiny, the bleeding is ridiculously minuscule, but Taddie seems to be content sucking it all in.

Crowley wonders how much blood it’ll take to grow the little thing to a full size demon. He usually has no problem replenishing blood loss. For now, it’s not an issue. He’ll have to keep an eye on it when Tad gets bigger.

Finally, he retreats his hand. Tad’s excited wiggles have slowed down, so he’s probably not as fiercely hungry any more. It’s stupid, but Crowley feels proud.

“You little blob have hunted down a really big demon for lunch, hm?” he says with a fond smile. “Well done. We’re going to make a demon out of you after all, it seems.”

The same evening, small feet appear at the back of the tadpole, just where the tail begins. Aziraphale is delighted.

“Oh, look at that, Crowley! How well he responds to your attention! That was what he needed! What did you do?”

Crowley plays it cool. “Change his diet.”

“Really? To what?”

“Blood.”

“Blood? Crowley, tadpoles are vegetarians!”

“Look at him, it did him good. He’s not an ordinary tadpole, Aziraphale. Remember when he bit you? He bit me too, and then went for my blood. He liked it, and look how much he’s grown just from a bit of it. Not sure if he can digest yours, angel, but we can try. For the sake of balance.”

“For the sake of balance?” Aziraphale was sceptical. “Maybe it would be balance to find something else he needs, not blood. Don’t get me wrong, of course I’ll try. I want him to flourish. But I have a feeling there must be something else.”

“You still think he could be an angel?”

“I haven’t ruled it out yet. But there has never been an angel baby, so we don’t know what they need.”

Crowley smirked. “We know what baby Jesus needed.”

Aziraphale huffed. He’s seen the religious imagery. “He was human. And I’m pretty sure angels don’t lactate.”

“I’m pretty sure none has tried so far, so how would you know?”

Aziraphale drew a shaky breath. “Maybe we try blood first.”

+

In the evening, at dawn, Hastur is back. 

“Tell me you killed it.”

“Why don’t you go and...”

Crowley falls silent as Aziraphale puts a hand on his arm.

“Duke Hastur, your son is well. His name is Tad, he’s eaten, and he’s grown. He’s absolutely fine.”

“I don’t care about that soppy shit! Just kill him already, before I get my hands on him. You’ll be doing him a favour.”

Crowley can suppress a shudder, and Aziraphale still has his hand on his arm. Just what he needed, another thing for Aziraphale to worry about. But instead, Aziraphale smiles.

“Your concern for him is duely noted. Anything else we can do for you?”

Hastur yells and throws himself against the hedge that separates them. The branches he touches go up in flame, but judging by his screaming, he takes some damage, too, and curses the flames badly before he vanishes again.

Crowley grins. “Last I saw him he discorporated in my burning car. I think he remembers.”

“Really, Crowley,” says Aziraphale who doesn’t think it’s funny. Well, at least not very much.


	3. Chapter 3

The next days pass in a similar fashion. Aziraphale talks to Tad, plays him classical music, and Crowley nurses him with his blood. Aziraphale tries, too. Tad bites him, but loses interest in the golden angel blood very quickly. Aziraphale is relieved, and Crowley makes many mocking faces at him. Taddie grows more feet, eyes and a mouth, and his tails shortens.

“Ew, that’s gross,” says Crowley, frowning.

“Don’t listen to him, Taddie,” says Aziraphale. “Listen to me. You’re not gross, you’re doing your best becoming a big boy and we’re very proud of you.”

+

Every evening, they sit in their garden, and every evening, Hastur yells at them. He’s found a place where he can look over the hedge, and glare at them, too. Aziraphale keeps being friendly and polite, and Hastur loses his shit pretty quickly each time. But Aziraphale is okay with it (‘He calls Tad a ‘he’ now, not an ‘it’!’), until Hastur extends his anger on the whole village. Skeletons of cows, of deer, of sheep are found.

“This doesn’t sound like Hastur,” says Crowley over their morning coffee. “Where are the human skeletons?”

“What?” asks Aziraphale sharply, and Crowley realizes he’s made a mistake. Aziraphale looks like he’s this close to running out and confronting the Duke of Hell.

“I told you about Hastur, he eats people,” says Crowley. “Usually. Not sure what’s going on with him these days. Spawning, treading light on the terrorizing of people. It’s not like him. We should be extra careful.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” says Aziraphale and later that day, hangs a beautifully kalligraphed sign on their door.

Here live and love

Anthony J. Crowley  
Ezra A. Z. Fell  
& Tad Hastursson Fell

“I’m a demon,” complains Crowley, but not very loudly, because the angel has that certain smile on that cuts through all his defenses. Still, on principle, he has to say it. “We’re immortal, we’re not technically living, and you can’t put up a sign that says I’m loving.”

“Only people who already know come here and see it,” says Aziraphale, still very pleased with himself. 

“And Lord Beelzebub.”

Crowley does not mention the two initials. Of course, Aziraphale has used two initials at the front of his bookshop for more than a century, but still. Putting them up as middle initials is a bit much. Crowley feels upstaged. In front of his former boss, if he’s unlucky. Not that Lord Beelzebub would care about such things. But Crowley does, at least a little.

Also. Hastursson?

“Hastur is going to burn the whole cottage down just to get rid of that sign,” says Crowley. 

Aziraphale only smiles at that, and Crowley understands.

“You warded it.”

“I have to think of Taddie’s safety. Of course it’s another ward on the house.”

“And a middle finger to Hastur?”

Aziraphale shakes his head. “I think he’ll get used to it. I want him to be proud of his child one day.”

Crowley remembers the flash of colors on the kid. 

“That’s going to take a very, very long time, angel. And probably some serious overhaul of Hastur’s entire personality.”

“But that’s not a reason for not trying.”

+

Crowley has been right, the sign does not go over well. He has also, in hindsight, been right about the lack of skeletons.

Their cottage is more than a mile outside of Tadfield, and usually, they’re not being bothered by anyone who doesn’t know them. Hastur seems to have caught someone’s attention though. Probably ate one too many cows.

Anyway, that evening, there is a lot of yelling going on outside their garden as usual, but it’s not directed at them. It’s directed at Hastur, and Crowley only has about a second to be amused before he realizes that it must be a mortal yelling. Mortal, as in easily-killed-and-digested, if you’re yelling at a demon who can turn into any number of maggots.

Crowley and Aziraphale exchange a worried glance and move to the hedge from where the voices come. Did come. One voice has stopped now, which can’t be good. There’s another voice speaking up now, and that is So. Much. Worse.

“Oh dear,” says Aziraphale and starts running, Crowley at his heels.

“Seriously, Uncle Hastur, you can’t do that. I mean it. Spit him out again before I get angry.”


	4. Chapter 4

Aziraphale and Crowley break through the hedge that knows Crowley and his moods well enough to make space for the two of them, and find themselves standing in front of a very tall, pouting demon, and a very short glaring human. Sort-of-human. The Son-of-Satan sort. But very, very human indeed. And, yes, there is a human skeleton lying on the ground.

Without thinking or signalling each other, they automatically take their positions at Adam’s side. Crowley to the left, Aziraphale to the right. They’ll be there. He won’t need them, most probably, but they’ll be there.

“Hastur, what’s all this about?” asks Crowley, leaving away the title. He doesn’t have to be polite to demons any more. Not that he had been very polite before. 

Hastur gives Aziraphale and Crowley a hateful glance. “Give me back what’s mine and I give back the useless bits of the useless human.”

Aziraphale stands very still. That’s a bad sign, but Hastur doesn’t know it. “Duke Hastur,” he says, “You’ll have to turn your request to Lord Beelzebub, I’m afraid.”

“Are you?” asks Hastur. “Afraid? Really? After I’ve eaten just one human? Then I should probably eat some more. I want you to be more than just afraid.”

“Uncle Hastur!” says Adam Young, almost-entirely-human boy but not right now. “Stop eating humans! This village is my home. I like my home. You can’t come here and kill people. That’s wrong.”

“He yelled at me.”

“Maybe I’m going to yell at you. Spit Mr. Johnson out.”

Hastur knows when he’s overpowered. No one wants the Son of Satan yelling at them, not even a very angry demon who usually doesn’t care what other people find wrong. “And then you will give me back what you’ve stolen?”

“I haven’t stolen anything. I gave you what you wanted.”

“As if I ever wanted that thing. You care about what’s wrong? You did me wrong, Antichrist. You took what was mine and gave me back something else.”

“I thought it would be okay.”

“You thought wrong.”

Adam hesitates and thinks. There is always so much thinking involved when it comes to demons. He doesn’t understand them, but he has to deal with them. “Maybe I thought wrong,” he concedes. “Maybe I didn’t understand what you wanted. Give Mr. Johnson back and explain it to me again.”

Hastur scoffs, but then dissolves into a heap of maggots – a much bigger heap of maggots than there has been demon – and when he reassembles himself as a demon again, there is an ugly, bleeding mess on the ground that looks like mince meat.

Adam is opening his mouth to argue again, but Crowley only looks at Aziraphale, who sighs and pulls a big miracle, restoring a middle-aged man in weathered clothes, lying on the floor where the skeleton has been. The man is breathing, but lies with his eyes closed.

“It’ll probably be best if he sleeps a bit, and wakes up finding it must have been a dream,” says Aziraphale, his fingers already working the necessary miracle, without waiting for Adams approval.

Adam nods.

“And now give me back my egg,” growls Hastur.

Egg? Crowley suddenly understands more than he ever wanted. So, so, so much more. Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! This isn’t good!

“It’s a tadpole now, Hastur,” he says softly. “He’s not an egg any more. And he’s grown a lot.”

“I think Taddie should stay where he is,” adds Aziraphale. “We’ll take good care of him.”

“Throw it in Holy Water, if you can’t give it back,” snarls Hastur. “Destroy it. Wipe it out of history. Get rid of it!”

“Uncle Hastur, why?” asks Adam. Adam is twelve, and he’s seen some shit. Armageddon, for example. But he’s not hardened from it. He gained perspective, but this? This is beyond anything he understands. “Why aren’t you happy?”

“I didn’t ask to be happy!” yells Hastur, getting louder and louder. “I asked you for one single thing, and you refused it!”

“I didn’t refuse. I wanted to bring Ligur back,” says Adam, “but I can’t. I tried very hard, Uncle Hastur. I even asked Lucifer. But none of us can find him! So I brought the one thing back that comes closest to him. I thought you’d like that.”

“I hate it! You had no right to do that!”

“I’m sorry, Uncle Hastur.”

“Sorry enough to kill it?”

Adam takes a deep breath. “No. Taddie is a good thing. Something good has to come out of all this. It has to!”

Hastur is silent for a few moments.

“I’m a demon, Adam. A real demon. Nothing good comes out of anything for me. You better get used to it, because one day, you’ll be the same. You too, Crowley. Enjoy your happy, sappy cottage life while it lasts. We’re creatures of suffering, evil will win in the end, and you will be left with nothing, like the rest of us.”

“Taddie isn’t nothing,” says Crowley. “He’s something you could have.”

“I don’t want it.”

The Earth open beneath Hastur, and he sinks down, staring at them hatefully until the soil closes over him again.

“I think we could all do with a nice cup of tea,” says Aziraphale, always the easiest to shake off sadness unless it’s his own. “And I think I have some biscuits to go with it.”

+

In the kitchen, Adam is immediately drawn to the aquarium. He stands there and looks at Taddie. Taddie is now almost twice the size he used to be, and resembles a toad already, even though he still has a bit of a tail.

“Hello, Tad,” says Crowley. “This is Adam… your cousin, I think?”

Tad paddles closer to the glass and looks at them.

Adam tries a little wave.

“Hi, Taddie.”

Taddie stares at him, let’s a few colors flicker over his stripes, but gets bored after a moment and start swimming away.

“He’s still very small and squiggly and not used to hold still,” says Crowley. That’s something Adam can understand. There’s other things he still can’t. He looks up at Crowley and Aziraphale. 

“I think I messed this up. But it’s good to have a cousin. He’s cute. Is he happy?”

“We try our best to find out what he likes or needs,” says Aziraphale. “But we don’t understand him very well, I’m afraid. We’re doing our very best though, because we’ve grown quite fond of our little companion.”

“He looks fine,” decides Adam. “Does he talk?”

“Not yet, but he’s still very young. No one knows when baby demons start talking. No one has ever seen a baby demon. I don’t know how you did it, but I think you’re right, this is a good thing,” says Aziraphale and means it.

Adam nods. “I’m not sure how I did it either,” he said. “But I’m glad he’s okay.”

+

Adam finally sits at the kitchen table with them – such that he can see Taddie – and devours the biscuits.

“I wish Uncle Hastur wasn’t so mad at me for this,” he sighs. 

“What happened?” asks Azirphale. Crowley lets Aziraphale handle this conversation. He’s still under shock from realizing something that he should have realized much earlier. Right from the start. Something he’ll have to bring up at some point. Shit!

“He came to me and complained that I’ve restored the whole world, but didn’t restore Ligur. So I tried, but it didn’t work,” recalls Adam. 

“And then you asked your father?” asks Aziraphale.

“Not my real dad,” says Adam, with emphasis. “I asked Lucifer. He always says he wants to stay in touch, so I thought why not, he might know something. He said that there’s no bringing Ligur back. But he knew that Hastur and Ligur tried to spawn, and it didn’t work in Hell. He said I should give it a try on Earth.”

Adam makes a face. “I shouldn’t have listened to him. But… he sounded like he meant it, and I still think it makes sense. Why doesn’t it make sense for Uncle Hastur?”

Crowley sighes deeply. “Because Hastur.”

“But he wanted to spawn.” Adam shakes his head. “I don’t get it. My dad, my real dad, told me after that day on the airfield, that he knew very early on that I’ve been swapped at birth. But he says he still was so very happy to have a baby, and that he wouldn’t want to give me away for anyone. He says a baby is always a reason to be hopeful. I wanted Uncle Hastur to have that.”

Crowley tilts his head. “Hastur only had one hope: Armageddon. He lost Ligur and Armageddon on the same day. Look, Adam, your dad was ready for new hopeful things to happen to him. Hastur isn’t ready.”

Aziraphale nods. “All he can think of right now is how he lost what was important to him. And now you come and want something else to be important. It’s perhaps not a surprise that all he talks about is how he’s going to lose that, too.”

“I don’t like it,” says Adam, who likes things to be nice and people to be reasonably happy. “And what’s so great about Armageddon?”

The chance to claw your way out of Hell, thinks Crowley. Knowing you won’t make it but you’re going to have a chance to kill a lot of angels in the process. Hastur would have liked that.

“Nothing,” he says instead. “But that’s still more than demons have now.”

Adam doesn’t get it. “You can’t have less than nothing.”

“It’s a demon thing.”

That is all Crowley is willing to say about the matter. He shoots Aziraphale a glance, and Aziraphale thankfully takes over.

“Adam,” he says with a smile. “It was very kind of you trying to help Hastur. You’re right that we must hope that something good will come out of it. We’re going to keep Taddie safe. Maybe all it takes is time.”

“No.” Crowley slumpes onto the table and buries his face in his hands. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m siding with Hastur on this one.”

“Crowley!”

Crowley gestures over to the aquarium. “I’m not saying I want the little spawn dead. Tad is fine. But… Adam, you shouldn’t have done that. Where did you even get that egg? How did you know whose it was? This could have been anyone!”

“But… it is Hastur’s, right?” askes Adam.

“Looks like it, doesn’t it? But how do we know? Where did you get that egg, Adam?”

“I don’t know...” admits Adam. He lookes a bit sheepish. “Lucifer told me that Hastur has a hidden stash of unhatched spawn, and I just… thought of it really hard and I could feel the spawn and I only took one egg, to see if it would hatch on Earth. And it did.”

Crowley groanes and let his forehead hit the table. “How many eggs were there, Adam?”

Adam makes a face. “I don’t know. Many.”

Crowley takes a deep breath. “And how did you know which ones would be Ligurlings?”

“I thought they all would be.” He hesitates. “Wouldn’t they?”

Crowley folds his hands behind his head. “I don’t know, Adam, but I doubt it. It probably doesn’t matter, because I’m sure Hastur has destroyed all of them by now.”

“If he can find all of them,” says Adam.

Crowley lifts his head up again. “What?”

“I told Lucifer that I had a successful hatchling on Earth, and he was really happy to know that there’s a way to make more demons. I don’t think he’ll let Hastur destroy all the other eggs.”

Adam closes his eyes for a moment. “No, Hastur hasn’t destroyed them. They’re all still there. I don’t know where they are, but they’re there.”

“Oh, great. More demons,” groans Crowley. “Who’s going to tell Heaven?”

“Crowley?” asks Aziraphale. 

“Aziraphale, you’re good with numbers. How many demons would it take to tip the scales towards Hell, if they would attack Heaven? One million? A hundred million? Now that Hell knows how to make more demons, it’ll only be a matter of time until they outnumber the angels so dramatically that the next Armageddon is inevitable. We’ll probably need to ask Heaven to help us out with an anti-spawn patrol.”

Aziraphale doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t have to. He has a very uncomfortable expression on his face. 

“No!” says Adam. “If any demon hatches on Earth, they have to belong to us! Hell can’t use our Earth to prepare for a war that would destroy us! We need to make sure we can keep all the new demons.”

“Or don’t let them hatch in the first place,” suggests Crowley.

“Crowley, Adam is right,” says Aziraphale. “They won’t be Hell’s. It would be lovely to have some new celestial beings here on Earth with us.”

“And populate Earth with little Hasturs?”

“You said yourself that Tad is fine.”

Crowley wants to say that he’s changed his mind, but then he thinks of the sign on their door. Live and love. Aziraphale is happy. 

Crowley sighes. “That doesn’t mean I want a million of him.”


	5. Chapter 5

Aziraphale spends the next day chatting with Taddie, while Crowley is gardening.

And waiting.

He’s through the hedge at the very first sign of demonic energy, his new plant mister pointing at Hastur’s face.

Hastur flinches, but then he catches himself again. “What’re you going to do? Moisturize me?”

“This isn’t going to kill you,” says Crowley. “Unfortunately. I have questions for you, and you can’t answer them when you’re dead. But you better believe me it’s going to be Heavenly unpleasant if I pull this trigger. Very low grade Barely Holy Water. Just for you.”

“Aw, now I feel special. What do you want?”

“Answers. I know you didn’t destroy the rest of your spawn. How many of them are from me?”

“Are you getting sentimental about it now?”

“Answer the question! Was I involved in some of those eggs?”

Hastur smirks. “I involved you in many things. Maybe some eggs, too.”

“How many?”

Hastur shrugs. “I didn’t count them. A few. You’re not that special, you know.”

“Who else did you involve?”

“The gang. Beelzebub, Dagon, you. Some disposable ones. But mostly Ligur.”

“So the only question is who’s going to kill you first then?”

Hastur isn’t impressed, so Crowley adds: “Or chains you down because you’re a proven source of any number of new demons? Do you know who controls your entire spawn right now?”

That gets a reaction out of Hastur, a disgusted and very angry one, that would have scared Crowley if he had the time for that right now. “Yes, I know.”

“Right. And you think he’s not going to do whatever the heaven he wants with it? You’re making the worlds biggest fuss over one hatchling being stolen. What did you think will happen to the rest of them?”

“I’m going to destroy them.”

“And run right into Lou’s waiting arms who can’t wait for you to make more? You’ve only got one chance now, and that’s to stay here on Earth and talk to Adam.”

“I’m not changing sides. I’m not a traitor like you. The Antichrist doesn’t care about demons. Why should I trust him?” Hastur huffs. “You’re forgetting one thing, Crowley. I still want Armageddon. You don’t like the idea of a million new demons? Should have killed the little critter while you had the chance before the word got around. Should have listened to me.”

“But Taddie is not a demon,” says Aziraphale, from behind Crowley. “Newborn celestial beings are angels, Lord Hastur.”

Crowley hasn’t heard him coming, and nearly drops his plant mister.

Hastur is shocked by Aziraphale’s words, but he’s also very stubborn. “Never seen an angel who’s a tadpole.”

“A new kind of angel, maybe. But not Fallen, because what would he have fallen for? We’re not humans, Lord Hastur, we don’t inherit the sins of our ancestors.”

“You’re bluffing.”

Aziraphale gives him a small smile that Crowley hasn’t seen on him before. “You don’t know that. But I think Satan knows what’s going on. Why else would he let you run around stirring up trouble when he could put you to better use down there?”

“I don’t believe you.”

Hastur just stares at him. Crowley just stares at Aziraphale. Yes, he sort of knew that his angel has bluffed and outwitted all his bosses back then. He just hadn’t imagined how much he’d like the look of it.

“They’re going to call you Father of a Million Angels in Heaven,” adds Aziraphale who can be a real bastard. But yeah. Facing Hastur, who wouldn’t.

Hastur doesn’t trust him, but he doesn’t trust himself at the moment either. Crowley would have pushed him over the moment his gaze had a split second of hesitation, but Aziraphale is patient.

Finally, Hastur stirs.

“I’m not changing my mind. I’m not changing sides. I’m going to talk to the Antichrist, and then I’m going back home.”

Aziraphale nods, as if Hastur has said something reasonable.

“Do you want to see your son?”

“Thanks, I’ve already eaten.”

Aziraphale shoots him a look of so much scandal and reproach that Hastur can’t help grinning.

“OK, where is he?”

+

Adam is back as early as school allows, and he brings the Them. He’s been talking about the new cousin all day and can’t wait to show them. They’re all surprised to see a tall, grumpy demon sit at the kitchen table, chained to the ceiling with a thin, silvery chain around his wrists, and bound to the floor with some black twine around his neck for good measure.

“Uncle Hastur!” says Adam surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, look, it’s Adam, the little angel,” growls Hastur. “And you brought me some snacks.”

He shoots the Them such a mean grin that they take several steps back.

“You don’t get to eat my friends, Uncle Hastur, you know that,” says Adam. “Guys, that’s my Uncle Hastur, Taddie’s dad. Uncle Hastur, these are Pepper, Brian and Wensley, don’t eat them, ever.”

“How is he your uncle?” asks Brian. “I know your uncles.”

“He stinks,” whispers Wensleydale.

“Is he on drugs?” asks Pepper.

“Not that kind of uncle,” says Adam. “That day on the airfield, remember the guy who turned up and said I’m his son and was being all mean about it? They’re brothers, or something.”

Aziraphale shoots Crowley a look of surprise, and Crowley just makes a noncommitant handmove, while Hastur keeps menacing the Them.

“I’m a Duke of Hell,” he growls, with one of his meanest smiles. “And if any of you have ever done something you shouldn’t have, I’m going to come for you.”

“Lord Hastur, I think that’s quite enough,” says Aziraphale and stands on the other side of the kitchen table, his hands nervously fiddling with the back of a chair, but very clearly between Hastur and the Them as a guardian.

“Just ignore him, kids,” says Crowley. “He’s here to talk to Adam, but he can wait. Come look at Tad, he’s a baby demon or baby angel, we’re not sure.”

“Baby angel? What?” says Adam with a grin, as if it was a joke, and he and the kids walk over to the aquarium, that’s now quite a bit bigger than it used to be in the beginning. “Hey Tad, did you miss me?”

“It’s a toad,” says Pepper, who doesn’t like at all when someone tries to deceive her. 

“Actually, so is his dad,” says Wensley, and they turn to give the toad on Hastur’s head and the warts on his face a thorough inspection. Hastur makes grim faces at them, but they’re not as impressed anymore, now that all they see is the toad.

“Will Tad look like that when he’s older?” asks Brian.

“No one knows,” says Adam enthusiastically. This is so epic it could be one of his stories! “No one has ever seen a baby demon, ever. Uncle Hastur is the first who figured out how to do it.”

Pepper shoots Hastur a glance of devastating judgement. “Humans have figured it out a long time ago,” she says.

“Yes, but it works different for demons,” says Adam. “They don’t have DNA. They’re all energy.”

“Who’s Tad’s mother?” asks Pepper.

Crowley grins. “That’s Hastur.”

“What?” Pepper does NOT like to be made fun of.

“Demons can be whatever they want to be,” says Crowley. “But if you want to look at it in human terms, Adam got it wrong. Hastur made the eggs, so he’s the mum.”

“And the dad?”

“Ligur, Duke of Hell” says Adam.

“And Crowley murdered him,” growls Hastur.

“In self-defense,” admits Crowley, and the Them don’t know what to make of it and look at Aziraphale who is usually the voice of reason, except when it comes to fashion.

“Lord Hastur, this is hardly the right moment...”

“Should have done a better job and murdered me too, because I’m not going to rest until I get you for this, Crowley.”

“I beg your pardon,” says Aziraphale, somewhat sharper. “No one gets anyone for anything in my kitchen. And I would be very grateful if the topic was put to rest now. You asked for Crowley’s help with the child, Lord Hastur, and we’re happy to grant your request, but we must have a certain amount of peace and manners in this house in return.”

Hastur rolls his eyes, but relents. Crowley is deeply impressed. He wouldn’t have dreamt of asking Hastur for manners.

Adam gives Crowley a long look. He knows Ligur’s story, Hastur has been very loud and detailed about it. But for the first time, he realizes that the ruthless Crowley from Hastur’s story and his godfather Crowley who is fun and likeable and cares a lot about Tad, are the same person. 

He looks at Tad who’s paddling in front of the glass of the aquarium, looking at them, happily flashing them colors, and then at Hastur, who glares at everyone.

“That doesn’t make sense,” he says and goes over to the kitchen table. “Uncle Hastur, why did you want Uncle Crowley to help with Tad?” he asks. 

Hastur looks up at the boy, and he understands something, too, about children who get sent away by their fathers, and end up somewhere safer. His anger dissolves. “They don’t let me kill him. I thought Crowley will do it.”

“Kill Tad? Why do you want to kill him?”

That’s the thing about the Antichrist. He may have cut his ties with Hell, he may be doing his own thing now. He may have warped time so his powers are now a bit hit-and-miss, depending which layer of time comes up on top. He still has an absolutely staggering amount of control over most things, especially demons. When he asks a demon a question, that demon will answer, and truthfully.

“Because I love him.”

Adam sinks down on a chair. “What?”

Everyone else just stares, but Hastur doesn’t care about them. This is between him and the Son of Satan. 

“Demon’s can’t have good things. Can’t have love. I thought Crowley understood that, but he’s an idiot. I chose to be a demon. I knew what I was doing when I followed Lucifer. Like your father, I’d rather stand in Hell than kneel in Heaven. But there’s a price to pay. Do you think I want any of that for my child? He can’t choose. You think you gave him a life, putting him here. You’re wrong, Antichrist. You gave him nothing but an eternity of pain. The only good thing I can ever give him is a quick death.”

It still doesn’t make sense to Adam. “But then why did you try to have children in the first place? Why did you keep all this spawn around?”

Hastur shrugs. “It’s just some idiotic urge that the toad part of me has. Comes up every few centuries, and then I try to spawn. It never works, it’s just some dead matter floating around, and usually, after a while I come to my senses and destroy it all again. I don’t want this. I never did. It’s just some biological function. It doesn’t mean a thing.”

This is the most coherent Crowley has ever heard Hastur talk during a nicotine withdrawal (Aziraphale has decided that smoking is bad for small tadpoles and didn’t allow Hastur to take smoke breaks in the garden either). Maybe Adam’s attention on him is doing that. Maybe being out of Hell for more than mere minutes are doing it, or the angel that still has his watchful eye on Hastur. Actually, this explains a lot why Hastur, who is prickly and doesn’t like anyone’s company besides Ligur’s, sometimes is needy and demanding and insatiable. So Hastur has spawning seasons, like Crowley has to molt every century or so, when his snake body has grown again? Crowley wishes he’d known, if only to stay far, far away from it. But something else is bothering him. He’s known Hastur long enough. Hastur is lying. He’s not sure about which part, he’s not sure if Hastur is aware, or could willingly lie to the Antichrist. But this is not the truth.  
There is something else Hastur isn’t saying.

Crowley is Crowley and can’t keep his mouth shut, and no one has a watchful eye on him right now.

“Then what was that about being happy to fill the army of Hell with enough demons to overrun Heaven? I thought you wouldn’t mind providing enough spawn for Lucifer to get his revenge?”

Hastur presses his lips together. “That wouldn’t even be a thing if you had killed this one like I told you to. Now we’ve got living proof that demons can spawn and survive. Now all I can do is look who’s going to get their hands on them first. Well done, Crowley.”

Aziraphale is aware that the situation is not going well, and should never have included the Them. “Lord Hastur, I told you, we think Tad isn’t a demon. We think he’s an angel.”

Hastur sneers.

“You say it like that’s making it better,” he says. “I don’t want him to be an angel either. Being an angel is worse.”

But Adam is now not so easy to dismiss the angel idea any more. “Why do you think Tad’s an angel, Aziraphale?” he asks. “Both his parents were demons.”

Aziraphale looks at Adam. He’s so proud of this child who’s still having to deal with all these things and is doing an incredible job. “Because no one is born a demon, Adam,” he says with warmth. “All demons were angels once.”

Adam is baffled. He knew, he must have known. There is a difference though, between knowing and understanding. “Uncle Hastur too?”

Aziraphale nods, but it’s the nod of someone who can’t believe what they’re saying. 

Hastur huffs. “Every second of it sucked.”

“The point is,” concludes Aziraphale his argument, “that if no one is born a demon, then Tad wasn’t born a demon. And neither were you, Adam.”

Adam remembers that Hastur has greeted him as “little angel”. “I’m not an angel, Aziraphale. I’m pretty sure I’m not that nice.”

“Angels aren’t nice,” say Hastur and Crowley at the same time, and then are disgusted by it.

“But we try,” says Aziraphale. “And you, Adam, are more human than celestial. You’re allowed choices. You’re allowed balance. You can be a bit of everything, like your friends, and you should.”

Crowley gives the Them a grin, remembering how they striked the Riders of the Apocalypse down with a flaming sword.

“Are humans in the middle?” asks him Pepper.

“They can,” says Crowley. “They really shouldn’t be evil if they can avoid it. But the thing is, they can be everywhere.”

“And Tad?” asks Brian. “Where can he be? Can he be like Adam?”

“That’s what we’re trying to find out,” says Crowley. 

“And then what? I’m not going to spawn a million angels for Heaven, and I’m not going to spawn a million whatevers for the Antichrist,” snarls Hastur. “Just so you can hold your own when Hell finally rises to raid this place.”

“I don’t want a million Tads,” says Adam. “But it’s nice to have one Tad.”

“I wonder if anyone but you could have make him hatch,” says Aziraphale slowly. “It might be Earth, but it might have been you. Did you use your powers to help Tad come to life?”

Adam thinks about it. “I don’t even know if he hatched on Earth or in transit. I didn’t watch him hatch. I just… got hold of an egg, and put it in a cup of water, and a tadpole wiggled, but I didn’t look if it wiggled inside an egg or outside.”

“So you didn’t make him hatch or come to life?”

“I can’t create life, not like this” said Adam. “He must have been alive. They probably all are. But it’s true they can’t hatch in Hell. Hell isn’t built for it.”

Hastur doesn’t like to hear that. “So when are you going to steal the rest then?”

“Or when are you going to tell Lou so he can bring them up here to hatch for him?” asks Crowley.

“Or for Heaven,” says Aziraphale.

This is becoming way too complicated for Adam who likes things to be simple. 

“I’m going to talk to Lucifer about this,” he says. “And until I do, I won’t let any of them be taken anywhere.”

“If you can do that, you could just as well kill them,” says Hastur. “They’re mine, and I want them dead, and if they’re angels, I want them even deader.”

“They’re my cousins, and I won’t kill them. Sorry Uncle Hastur. This is political now. I can’t risk a war breaking out over them. I’m going to find out what this is about, and then I’m going to do something about it. Don’t eat anyone while I’m working on it. Don’t make it more complicated.”


	6. Chapter 6

The topic is sufficiently covered for Adam with that, and he gets off the chair again to join the Them at the aquarium for the actual main attraction.

“His tail is even shorter today than yesterday,” he says, “He really grows fast.”

“What does he eat?” asks Wensley.

“Blood, mostly,” says Crowley. The Them are impressed. 

“Actually, that’s not very angelic,” says Wensley. 

“We don’t know,” says Crowley. “No one has ever seen a baby angel. If we don’t count Adam, that is. And I’m sure he ate whatever babies eat.”

“Where do you get blood for him?” asks Brian.

“I let him bite me,” says Crowley. “Or Aziraphale does. We try to give him a balanced diet.”

The Them nod, and Adam grins. “Would he like mine?” he wonders.

“You can try, if you want,” says Crowley. “But wash your hands before you put them in the water.”

Adam quickly does so, and they all are very fascinated. Adam doesn’t just put his hand in there, but his whole wrist, too, and Tad quickly attaches himself to Adam’s wrist and drinks greedily.

“He must have been very hungry,” says Wensley, who is very concerned about good meals.

Crowley knows that Tad wasn’t, and is a bit worried at the frenzy of the drinking. Maybe they should have thought twice about letting someone as powerful as Adam feed him.

“Wow, look, he’s growing!” 

The kids are right. Tad grows and his tail vanishes so fast it’s noticeable. Not just that, his forearms, nice webbed toad arms that they’ve been, turn slowly into tiny green human arms, and the shape of his face changes, too, although they can’t quite see it.

The room starts to rumble slowly, when Tad can’t handle the energy so well any more, and Crowley separates him from Adam’s arm.

“I think that’s enough for one meal,” he says. 

The Them are incredibly impressed, and Adam is very pleased with himself and his cool new cousin. “Whoah, Tad becomes more human!” “He’s going to look like his dad when he’s older.” “You mean his mum.” “Or maybe he stays half human, half toad for all his life.”

That last one was Adam, of course, always going for the most dramatic effect.

“He probably wanted to be more like you, so he tried to mimic your shape” says Crowley fondly, and he and Aziraphale share a proud smile. 

“Show me,” demands Hastur.

The Them hastily retreat from the aquarium for him to see, but Adam goes further. He reaches into the water, grabs Tad with both hands and gently lifts him out of the water. He does give Aziraphale a questioning look though before he makes a step closer to the table.  
Aziraphale shakes his head when Adam tries to cross the room, and Adam stops. They’re still out of Hastur’s reach. Not that it would make much of a difference with the restraints in place, but it never does to underestimate a demon.

“Sloppy,” says Hastur, and then suddenly yells so loud that the windows and every piece of glass in the house are rattling. 

“̵҇͋̊̔͑͋̄̽̈̈̚Y̵͋̾̾͐͛͛̊͌̒̀̏͞o҉̔̇́̐̽̈̂͛̊̇̏̄͐̅̕̚̚u̷̍͑̂̉̒̓̒̒̇͂͐͠ c̶͂̅̂̊̍̑́͆͝a̸͂̓̀̒̇̃͆̔̽͂̓̉̇͡l̴̽̍̿͗͛̐́͂͊̿̾̏̕l̷̏̊̈̇͆̔̓̌̍͞ t̷̆̌͐̓͗͊͌̍̋͠h҈͑̽̋̀̍̀̏͑̈̿̀͞a̸̎̍̓̌̇̏̏̆͆͞t҉̛̓̐͐̈́̊͆̄̋͊̿͊̆̌̿̚ a̴̛͛́͋̆̏͐̓̏̉̄̔̄͆ t̷͌̇͂̄̓̋̓̆̂̈́̿͠r̵̋̇̾̈́̑̀̑̐̑͝a̷҇̌̃̀̊̈̊͒͆̃̈̄̚n҉͒͊̉̋̃̇̒͑͡s҉̔͌͆̌́͆̇̈́̆̐͐͝f҈̈́̓̓̓̄̔͂̏̆̿͡ö̷̎̋̓̎͆̑͆͛͆̊͊̉̒͝r̴͂͒͗͒͗̈́͌̾̑͊͛̓͠m̸͗̅͐̏̄͑͑͒̈̇̄͞a̴̅͂͑̎̌̂̑̆̇͗͂̉̅͡t̶͋̈̾͋̏̈̿͛̌̚͡i̴͊̾̉̓͋̓̐̅̇̿̓̾͂͋̓͠ơ̴͗̇̿̃̐̅̉̎̄͆̓n҈̓͛͒̎͂͐͑̌̏͂̇̅͛̒͠,̸̓͐̑̈́͊̈̆̏͝ y̸҇̊̎̅̽̉̉͗̓̽̑̌̆̂̚o҉̑̿̆̒̑̃͂̃̅͌͡u̷̾͆͆̌̿͆̈́̅̏̾̿̓̓͡ l̴͊͋̆̄̅͊̀̕a̶͋̑͐̒̅̃̈́̂̕z̷̈́̔̆̅̓͛͑͑̒̅̏͝y̵̛̔͆͌̿͋͒̉̿ p̵̒̾̄̈́̆̑͐̊̒͛͞i̵҇͐̂͒̊̈̉́̌è̶͂̊̑̋̔̈͐͠c̶̿̑̎͑͆͂̈́̔͆̾͊̇̔͞e̷҇̽̌̓̋̃̄͑̾̀̚ o҈͊̓͊̎̽͂̈́͛̽̇̂̉̿̌̚͝f̵͐̓̔͆̀̔̒̈́̃͡ s̵̅́̽̔̄̄͌̓̀̏͞l̵̛̆̽̿̽̋͂̓͛̊̔̔̚i̸͌̀̓͑̇̍̏͒̕̚m̶̅̎̍̑̌͑̐̊͠e҉́̉̋̍̋͛̑̒̿̓̈́͂̕?̵̐͊̑͆̎͊̍̽̈́̕ G̴҇͊̓̅͒̅̃͌͗è̸̃̆͌͌̀̓͞t̸͐̍̏͆͊́͗̋͂̊͐̏̆̀͂͝ ỏ̶̏̿͌͆̿́̋͑̕f̶̌̀͋̂̃̌͐̋̌͠f̸҇̇͊̃͌̿̐̐̔́ y̶͊̈̄̓̍͒̈͂̔͗͛̉̌͞ơ̷̈͒̎͆̅̓̐̔̎u̷҇̇͑͌̈͐̅̔̑̄̈͐͋r̸̓̃̆͂̎͑̓̾͒̇̃̾͠ t̵͛̈͗̇̍̓́̀͑͌̏͆͡a̸̛͊̓̀̔͑͛̂̀̿͒̚i҈́̍͒̎̒̐̉͐͌͝l̵҇̊̏̏̇̔̎͆ a̶͛̍̉̍̔̔́̍̏͞n̵͌͐͛̒͛̀̆̕d̸͐̍̌̊̅̍̉̃͛͂̃͡ d҉̛̌͗̎̓͑͋͛̔͌̀̆͆̽̓ơ̵͛͐̍̽̄̾̓̉̐̽̒̽ ǐ̵̅̃̎͑̎̎̃͐͐̚͡t̵̛̄̄̊̽̊͆̒̋́͛̚ p҈̛̎̾͌̄͗͆̇̈́̆̈́̏͐̚r̴̃̉̈͑̿͂̇͡o̷̽͐̀̏̓́̅̇̾̾̔͠ṕ̴̛͑̎͒̀́̆͌̽͗̈̿̆̄e̷҇̅̌̉̿̽̈͑̇̄̓̈́̔̈̚r̴̉͒̽̀͊̀̇̆̀͒͗͌͝l҈̛̇͗̄̐͗̎͂̑̅̍̒ÿ̶̛́͊̐̎̄́̈̚ o̴҇͛́̑̔͂̋̒͐̚r̴̔͆̌̆̍̑̈́͌͋̊͑̅̆̊͆̃͞ I҈͑̒̒͋̈́̍͛̀͑̓͆̎͛̇̕’҈҇̆̊̏̓͐̓̓͆m̶̎͛́͒̓͒̽̀͐͗̋̔́̇̚͠ g҈̛͛̇̔̔́̎͂̓͌̃̆̄̈̀̅o҉̇̊̈́̉͊̐̈̌̑̆͐̀̃͡i҈̛͆͛̆̑̎̑̈́͛̆͑n̴̎͊̂̃̆͑̑̑́̄͗͊́̍̚͝g҈҇̏͒̓̽̐̀͋̌̏̓͂ t̷҇̄́̆̀̌̄̎̀͋o̷͛̇̒̒̄̅̅̊̈́̐̂̄͌͗͌͞ c̷̔̅̔͊̋̉͋̊̈́̓̔̾͌̚͞ǒ̵́͂̽͆̿̿́̂̒̆̚͝m̴̎́͌̌̽̊̔̊̎͂̊͒̃͗͠e̸̒̽̔̔͒̾̾͒̔͌͊̓͌̕ ä̵́͌͛̉͗̈̇̏͑̿̌͛̕̚n̵҇̃͐̓̀̒͗̌͛̿d̸̛̈̋͒̋͌͛̈́͗ m҈̾̉̎̿̽̍̃͑͛̀͐̏͋͠a̸͛̓͋̓́͊̿͆̈͐̕k̴̐̎̈̒̎̔̔̑̕e҈̽͗͑̂͌͋̄̇̓̿̈́͌̔͒̽͞ y҉̑̈͐̇͑̌͛͝o̷҇̓̏̾͑̃̔͂̽̿͋̌͒̌û̴̽̈́͊̄̾̾͂̏͡!̵̅͑̂̃̐͒̈̅̾͠”̷̅̆̿̍̾̉̂̊͠

With a startled croak, the toadlet starts wriggling frantically, and within a second, Adam holds a screaming, wriggling toddler in his hands. A toddler whose upper half of face and skull are still toad, but the rest is very much not. It’s a toddler’s body, mostly pale green in color, adorned with stripes all over that looks like someone slices him up. Aziraphale was right, he is a boy for now.

“Ha,” says Hastur, now in his normal voice again. “I knew he could do the full transformation. Time someone teaches him some disciplin.”

Adam holds the screaming child at arms length, and Crowley takes it off him. Years of nannying practise set in, and he automatically settles the kid in the crook of his ellbow, hides his head on his shoulder and starts bouncing him. It dawns on him too late that this is probably all new and not very calming for Tad, but he doesn’t want to set him into the aquarium in this shape, so he’ll just have to try and calm him this way. Being with a crying child and a yelling Hastur in one room doesn’t make him calm enough to calm someone else, most probably. But then he offers Tad a finger, and Tad bites down on it with a few very not human pointy teeth, and sucks with astonishing force, and quickly stops crying. 

“Hastur, he’s a baby,” says Aziraphale reproachfully. 

“So?”

“He can learn things at his own pace. There’s no need to scare him like this.”

“He’s a little piece of shit is what he is. If you let him fill up with that much power, you better give him an outlet or he’ll be insufferable.”

“We don’t know that,” says Azirphale. “No one in here is a specialist for babies like him.”

“Everyone’s the same piece of shit if you let them have too much energy. It’s got nothing to do with age. You should keep Crowley on a shortler leash too, angel. No good just flashing him that angelic energy of yours and not caring where it leaks out again. In your defense, Crowley’s always been a piece of shit though, so that’s probably not all on you.”

“Language, Hastur. There’s children listening.”

“So?”

“Can’t we find out if Tad is an angel?” asks Brian, eyeing the toaddler. 

“Isn’t there some kind of test?” asks Wensleydale, who likes science and statistics.

“Maybe,” says Crowley. “But all the tests we can think of are dangerous for someone this small.”

“Do the tests on Adam then,” says Pepper. “He’s sturdy.”

Adam is almost hopping. “Yes, let’s!” 

But Crowley shakes his head. 

“Hey, human girl,” growls Hastur. “You feed him. I want him to mimic you.”

“What?” Pepper is conflicted. Is this sexism, from a guy who lays eggs? She hasn’t been scared of War or any of the others. She’s technically safe in here and not really afraid of this demon. And she hasn’t been brought up to be bossed around by a man. Whether he’s ovulating or not. But something about Hastur is very scary indeed. “Why me?”

“The others are ugly.”

Is this sexism? Pepper isn’t sure. Aziraphale comes to her rescue.

“Tad is full for now,” he says. “If Pepper wants to feed him next time she’s here, she can. But you can’t demand it, especially not from a child. And there’s no guarantee that Tad will mimic her.”

Hastur is about to say something nasty, and Crowley doesn’t want this to escalate in front of Adam. 

“Hastur, mimicking her isn’t going to make Tad look like Ligur,” he says. “He’s not going to be handsome over night just because you think someone resembles his dad.”

Hastur makes a face. “I’ll find someone better then who he can mimic,” he growls.

Pepper keeps a safe distance from the strange demon, more unsure than even what to think of all this nonsense. Is this racist? 

“Do I really look like Tad’s dad?” she asks. “Is this about color?”

Hastur huffs. “Ligur shone in all colors of the rainbow. No human will ever come close.”

The Them turn their heads to Tad whose pale green body is still striped like it used to be when he was in his toad form, and currently the stripes occillate with yellow and green hues.

They look at each other and have to concede that Hastur has a point about colours.

“Uncle Hastur, Taddie is very pretty already,” says Adam. 

Crowley avoids Aziraphale’s eyes. Yes, he has noticed that Hastur wants something for the kid that isn’t death. No, he’s not going to acknowledge it. No need to make Hastur aware of it. No need for Hastur to be proud of Tad, or want things for him. All that Crowley wants Hastur to be is very far away.

+

In the evening, Aziraphale and Crowley finally are without visitors again.

They sit outside on their favourite bench again in the last sunlight, but today, no Hastur is going to yell at them over the hedge. Tad sleeps in a basket – not his old one, it would be much too small now – at their feet, his head lying on a damp cloth. They’ll probably never let him out of their sight again.

It could be a peaceful moment, but it isn’t. All the busy day that they’ve had has only postponed the one thing Crowley has been dreading. He has to tell Aziraphale, and Aziraphale probably already knows, depending on how much of his talk with Hastur he’s overheard.

Crowley feels terrible. He can see in Aziraphale’s face how wrong everything is. When Aziraphale looks fragile and hurt, Crowley would do everything to protect him. But the one who did this to his angel was he himself. In the end, he probably decides to get it over with just so Aziraphale doesn’t have to be this worried for much longer.

“So,” he starts, and Aziraphale turns his attention on him painfully quickly. “I guess you’ve heard me talking to Hastur.”

“Some of it,” Aziraphale admits, his voice too soft. Not good. Aziraphale should be mad. Crowley can deal with mad. 

“You’re probably wondering why I don’t do it with you, when I’m famous for my temptations, and now you’ve heard I did it with Hastur.”

Aziraphale shakes his head, but Crowley still needs to explain. He can’t have Aziraphale assume things. “You know I’m in Beelzebub’s inner circle. When some of them want me, I can’t say no. I have a reputation to maintain, and I can’t match their powers. I haven’t said no in a long time. I don’t even remember when I’ve last slept with someone that wasn’t for work. The thing is, angel, what Hastur got from me... You should have that, if you want. I know we said we don’t have to but I’ll do it for you if you want to. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t mean more to me than the shittiest demon you’ve ever seen.”

Aziraphale took his hand, lifted it up to his mouth and kissed his knuckles. And with the same care and love, he then put his hand back on the bench again.

“Give me some credit, dearest, I dare say that I don’t compare myself to the likes of Hastur. We do things at our own pace. Being with you makes me so happy. There’s nothing we have to do than be together.”

He looks down at Tad, then back at Crowley’s lovely face, and smiles. “Remember the time when we couldn’t even be seen together, an angel and a demon? How we barely dared to touch each other? Now we share a home, hold hands, sometimes swap bodies, we do so many things that no angel and demon have ever dared to do. It’s a lot, Crowley, it really is. And there you sit wonder if I am jealous of Hastur. Of all people. Really, Crowley.”

Crowley tries a small smile back. “If you put it that way...”

“I do. What I’m worried about is something else.”

The smile drops off Crowley’s face in no time. But this time it’s Aziraphale who pushes himself to speak a truth that might hurt, in order to protect worse things to come.

“Satan holds unhatched Crowlings hostage, did I understand that correctly?”

“And unhatched Dagonlings and Beelzlings and Dispolings, I guees.”

“And it bothers you.”

“Yes.”

“Quite a bit.”

“Yes.”

“It took Adam’s powers and Earth’s plane to hatch Tad. Do you think Satan can do something similar?”

“If anyone can find out how, it’s Lucifer. Lou is smart. He’s lazy, but when something has caught his attention, he can be awfully fast and effective.”

Crowley could leave it at that. But he can’t. Not saying it might hurt Aziraphale, and he can’t do that.

“You realized, didn’t you? What if it’s not just Hastur who can have an angel child? What if you could? Wouldn’t you want to?”

Aziraphale doesn’t answer. His face is blank in a way that worries Crowley.

“I wouldn’t deny you that, angel. If you wanted one. You’ve been lonely for way too long.”

It takes a while until Aziraphale answers. “I haven’t been entirely lonely,” he says. “I had good company. And no. This is not about what I want. This is about what can threaten the peace we want this world to have. If populating the Earth with angel offspring – which is frowned upon in Heaven, as you know – would threaten the whole world, how could I ever want that? No, Crowley.  
For now, it’s impossible. Let’s keep Taddie safe and wait what’s going to happen.”

He smiles. “And who knows, we might have some Crowlings of Tad’s generation on our hands one day. That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?”

Up until now, Crowley would have said no. Heavens no. Absolutely not. Nothing that has happened between him and Hastur since the time when they were supposed to happen hasn’t happened in a way he wants to remember.

And he deeply, deeply feels Hastur’s dread at the thought of younger versions of onesself being taken away and thrown into this world that won’t be kind to them.

But he can see Aziraphales point now, too. Someone can be kind. Someone can choose to stand up for what they want to protect. Someone can do something.  
And as usual, that someone is them, heaping a world of decisions on Adam. But it has worked before, hasn’t it?

He smiles at this angel who has always been afraid to do the wrong thing, to destroy what he loved. Who has found his courage, and nothing and no one will take it away again.

“If it’s your hands, then yes.”


	7. Chapter 7

They don’t hear from Adam or the Them for a few days. They do hear from Hastur in the evenings, traditionally, as he and Crowley exchange hostilities over the hedge. They keep the hedge much shorter now, because Crowley loves to show off little Tad Hastursson Fells daily progress by holding him up where Hastur can see him, and hissing menacingly at Hastur about how GOOD Tad has been and how CUTE and how NICE while Hastur cringes and is pessimistic-aggressive back.

But Crowley isn’t wrong. Tad is doing very well. Tad is a natural crawler and is currently mastering pulling himself up and standing.

And Tad is smiling now. Smiling, giggling, squealing from joy. He still prefers Crowley for food, and Aziraphale for chatting and singing. Crowley is still mostly worried, Aziraphale is still enjoying every second of it.

He also still prefers to be in water, and it upsets Aziraphale, because now that Tad makes noises, he breathes. No matter how often Crowley tells him Tad won’t drown, Aziraphale won’t take the risk.

They offer him a lot of shallow water to sit in, and Crowley has finally gotten around to put a pond in the garden, equally shallow, but full of plants and mud and rocks for Taddie to pull himself up.

Tad grows fast, and Crowley has to miracle his blood supplies up twice a day now, even with Aziraphale doing many meals now too. One day, Tad will be old enough to draw power from Heaven, Hell, or whereever. Right now, he draws them from Crowley and Aziraphale. His mimicking is still coming and going. Sometimes he has Aziraphale’s white, curly hair, sometimes he’s hairless, sometimes his eyes shine yellow for a short while. He doesn’t feel like a demon, but boy, doesn’t he give off angel vibes either. This is the most confused ethereal being in history. Crowley adores the whole chaos of it.

Pepper hasn’t been back to offer. Crowley doesn’t blame her. Hastur wanted to eat her, and then feed her to his offspring? Pepper can do better, and Crowley is glad she knows.

“Crowley! Crowley, look! He can walk!”

Crowley looks, smiles, and runs to get the camera. Tad’s quiet toddler days won’t last, but all the more reason to make the most of them.

+

Then Adam turns up again, grinning, with Dog in tow.

“He can’t do it!” he says, as a greeting. “Where’s my one and only cousin?”

Adam is shown Tad’s new skill of wobbly steps and he’s thrilled. He sits down on the floor to play with Taddie while he’s giving his godfathers-of-sorts a quick overview of the news. Dog as usual sits on his own dog-cushion that Aziraphale has provided when the moist dog nose came too close to one of his books once. Dog has been shown the new baby demon and was thrilled. Crowley has warned Adam though not to let the dog lick Tad. Tad’s skin hasn’t been toxic so far, but the toad aspect can come through without anyone noticing and you wouldn’t want your dog to find out first.  
Also, Tad could bite him.

“No one in Hell could make an egg hatch, not even up here on Earth, and they’re super mad at me. I told them it’s because I love Uncle Hastur, and that’s why it worked.”

He grinned a huge, mean grin. “Let’s see if they have someone down there who really feels for Uncle Hastur.”

Crowley lifts an eyebrow. “That’s a risky bet, Adam. You don’t know that.”

Adam is unimpressed. “And, do they? Have someone?”

Crowley shrugs. “I’m not sure. Lord Beelzebub used to be very protective of their closest advisers. They’re currently dealing with the aftermath of the Armageddon’t which probably drowns them in all kinds of bad situations. There’s probably no room for Hastur’s problems on their timetable. But I wouldn’t want to bet on it. They made room for avenging Ligur.”

Aziraphale remembers the trial in Hell. Hastur and Dagon revelled in the chance to get even, to make it hurt. Beelzebub? Loud and precise, but not angry or hateful in the least. The only time the Lord of the Flies had been mean had been to the Archangel Michael, and Aziraphale had fully approved of it.

He hadn’t been able to read Lord Beelzebub’s behaviour beyond that. He had no idea what they were like. Were they a little bit sorry to condemn Crowley? Or were they sorry for Hastur? He couldn’t say either way. 

Adam probably didn’t love Hastur either, but had felt truly sorry for Hastur’s loss and sincerely wanted him better. Would any demon in Hell do the same? A year ago, Aziraphale would have said that demons wouldn’t do any of those things, but even then he knew better. He knows for certain now that demons are a lot more complicated.

“Would someone else down there in Hell care for Hastur?” he asks. “Is Hastur well-liked?”

Crowley shakes his head. “Hastur is feared. His power level is insane, and he’s violent. He discorporates demons without hesitating, just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. There’s a lot of demons who idolize him for this. Ligur was one of them. But this kind of demon isn’t the one who will care if Hastur is in trouble.”

Adam nods. “I think they’ve already given up on the love angle, because Lucifer has immediately demanded that I should be the one who hatches more tadpoles then. And he’s also tried to get Uncle Hastur on board, but Uncle Hastur just says the same thing over and over, which is he wants them dead. Lucifer said he can make him agree to anything, but I told him he can’t make me and I don’t want anything to happen to Uncle Hastur so it’s no use bothering him.  
Hey, look, Taddie can drink now without biting. Take some energy, cousin, to become a big strong boy, we can play better games when you’re bigger. You want to play with me, right?”

Tad has indeed only stuck Adams finger in his mouth because that’s what he does with everything, but he hasn’t bitten him, and he now draws energy to himself without needing blood, and he grows bigger at an astonishing speed.

“I wish I could take Uncle Hastur with me and keep him out of trouble until they all forget about it, but he doesn’t want to come up here and the only place he would be safe would be with you anyway…. Ouh, that’s a lot, Taddie, take it slow, I’m getting dizzy...”

With a thud, Adam falls to the floor, his head hitting the rug he sits on with a thud that’s way too loud. 

Aziraphale and Dog rush to him, while Crowley plugs Tad off Adam’s energy. He picks him up like he’s done for days, but Tad is almost as tall as Adam now, and doesn’t fit on Crowley’s arm anymore, so he has to sit down and sit Tad on his lap instead.

Tad wants to draw energy from him now, but he doesn’t let him.

“Enough, Tad.”

Green toad eyes blink yellow for a moment.

“Eee-Nufftad.”

They would be excited about him starting to speak if Adam wasn’t still passed out on their floor, having his face licked by a very worried Dog until Aziraphale banishes the hellhound back on his cushion.

But Aziraphale hesitates before calling a miracle to heal Adam’s head and replenish the energy. 

“Maybe you should do it,” he says to Crowley. “I don’t know if an angelic miracle will do much good for the Son of Satan.”

Crowley isn’t so sure either. “But what if he is an angel, like you think?”

Airaphale suddenly isn’t so certain anymore, but he isn’t not certain either. “Maybe we should take turns,” he says. “Do series of small miracles.”

“Even that is a risk,” says Crowley. “Tad could do it. Whatever they are, they’re probably the same, right?”

He looks at the boy on his lap, the naked, pale green, striped boy. He isn’t sure what to read in Tads’ eyes, and how much Tad will understand.

“Tad, listen. Adam is hungry. We can feed Adam, right?”

“Adam.”

“Yes. We love Adam.”

“Yes. We love Adam.”

The stripes on Tad are flickering with yellow and blue now. Worry and joy.

Crowley smiles. “Come.”

They kneel by Adams side. Crowley takes Adam hand. 

“Look, take his hand, like this.”

He give Tad Adam’s hand, and Tad holds it with a grip that’s not as clumsy as a toddler’s was. 

“You’ve taken Adam’s energy. Can you give it back?”

Tad looks at him.

“I want to play with Adam.” The sentence is crystal clear and comes unprompted.

“Then you need to wake him up. I’ll show you. Look.”

He takes Aziraphale’s hand, and their energies blend into each other. Slowly, their sleeves change color, Aziraphale’s turning black, Crowley’s turning beige, to show Tad clearer what he has to do.

And Tad is fascinated, tilting his head, watching them. Forgetting about Adam.

“Do that with Adam. Like we do. Come on, Tad. You’re a big boy now, Adam wants to play with you. Wake him up.”

Tad looks at their hands and smiles. Then he takes Tad’s hand in both hands, and slowly, Adam’s sweater sleeve turns pale green, and Tad’s bare wrist takes on a pattern of knit stripes.

Aziraphale nods at Tad and gives him the most encouraging smile, while his whole arm turns black now. They wouldn’t have to do the visuals of the change, they’re quite good at doing it with and without, but this demonstrates it in a way Tad can understand. Or so they hope.

Adam suddenly gasps for air and opens his eyes. And then all happens very quickly, and he and Tad have changed bodies completely.

“What was that?” asks Adam excitedly, and fearless as ever, from out of Tad’s body. “Tad, what was that?”

“I’m hungry,” says Tad from out of Adam’s body.

“Wow, look at you, Tad, you’re me now!” Adam loves the new adventure, while Aziraphale and Crowley untangle their energies again. “Ew, why am I naked?”

Crowley snaps his fingers, and Tad!Adam’s striped body is covered in the exact same outfit that Adam!Tad is wearing.

“You did it, Tad!” says Aziraphale. “You woke up Adam! Well done!”

“I love Adam,” says Adam!Tad and hugs him.

“And you’re my best and most favourite cousin, Taddie!” says Tad!Adam, hugs him back, and they’re grinning at each other.

“Can you change back again?” asks Crowley. “Will you have enough energy?”

Tad!Adam’s toad eyes and stripes glow purple from joy. “I don’t want to change! This is so cool! Where is a mirror! Tad, we need to look into a mirror, come on!” 

He pulles his cousin up and they run to the wardrobe in the hallway where there’s a full length mirror.

Aziraphale is close to panicking. “What are we going to do now?”

Crowley grins. “Get the camera. Adam, don’t change anything before we’ve taken pictures!”

+

Adam can’t wait for Crowley to take their picture. “Hurry up, Uncle Crowley, I want to have a real human face!”

He drags Adam!Tad in front of the mirror with him again. “Look, Tad, you can have a human face and a toad face at the same time! Like your dad!”

Crowley can feel energy dragged from the room, and Tad!Adam suddenly has a human face with barely any green hue at all, and a toad sitting on his head. 

It’s his face, Adam’s. They look like twins now, only Tad!Adam’s eye color is ever changing between hues of green, teal and blue, and occasionally, when he’s laughing with Adam!Tad, to purple.

Tad!Adam looks at Crowley and Aziraphale. “Tad should have his own face. How do I make him look like himself?”

Crowley shrugs. “Kid’s usually resemble their parents. You know what Hastur looks like.”

Tad!Adam frowns. “I don’t think Uncle Hastur would like that. He’s mad enough at me as it is. Tad, who do you want to look like?”

Adam!Tad has a much softer overall look than the Antichrist who usually inhabits this body. He points a finger at Aziraphale and Crowley. “Them.”

Tad!Adam grins, his eyes the brightest purple of joy. “Oh, that’s a great idea!”

He concentrates, a piercing gaze on Crowley and Aziraphale, and the brown curls that look out from under the toad turn white, like Aziraphale’s, and the shape of eyes and mouth changes to resemble the angel’s too. At the same time, Adam grows Tad’s body taller and thinner, with gangly arms and legs.

Crowley tilts his head. While he loves the resemblance to Aziraphale, a tall, thin blonde does remind him more of Hastur than he likes.

“You know,” he says. “Maybe take some of it back again. Cousins often resemble each other, just not as much as twins. But people should look at you and know you’re related. Especially demons. They should see that they’re dealing with the Antichrist’s next of kin. It’ll add protection.”

Tad!Adam looks at Adam!Tad. “What do you think? Should we look more alike?”

Adam!Tad is confused. “I don’t know. I want to look like you and I want to look like them.”

“You can always change your appearance, once you’ve learned how to get your own energy source,” says Aziraphale. 

“How do I learn that?” asks Adam!Tad.

“That’s a good question. We need to find out how Adam does it. Adam, where do you draw your energy from? Do you draw it up or down?”

Tad!Adam looked at him like he was talking nonsense. “Energy doesn’t go up or down. It’s just there.”

“Mine goes up, from Hell,” said Crowley. 

“Mine comes down, from Heaven,” says Aziraphale.

Tad!Adam gives them a piercing look, his eyes now a displeased yellow. “No it doesn’t. It’s everywhere. You’re using the same energy, you just have different hand moves.”

“Surely there must be a difference,” says Aziraphale alarmed. “I can do quite a bit of difference with my energy to a demon, and vice versa.”

Tad!Adam shrugs. “It’s still the same energy. It’s just you filtering it differently.”

Crowley and Aziraphale share a look.

“Seriously,” says Adam. “Angels and demons are doing the same thing, just differently angry.”

“So, which ones are you and Tad?” asks Aziraphale.

The irritated yellow eyes tint towards orange, a sure sign that Adam’s patience is very tested right now. 

“What difference does it make?” he asks. “I told you, they’re the same thing. I thought I can’t be an angel, but then you said I can, and you said Uncle Hastur is an angel, too, and I’ve been thinking about it, and looking at things. I don’t see the difference. How would I know what I am? What does it feel like to be an angel or a demon?”

Aziraphale and Crowley thought about it. 

Aziraphale, better and quicker with words, answered first. “I told you, back then, at Armageddon, that you are neither. You are very human, Adam. When Heaven and Hell both reached out to grab the world, you didn’t take either side. I think you were an angel once, but you’ve become so much more than that.”

Crowley nodded. “You shouldn’t take me and Aziraphale as an example for what demons and angels are typically like,” he added. “We’ve also moved on from where we came from. But to answer your question: What would your life look like if Lucifer had won, back then at Armageddon? What would it feel like for you, if you hadn’t had your powers, and would have had to take whatever Lucifer would have punished you with in his wrath, knowing that he’s just being an ass about it? When you have a shitty life because someone else gets a kick out of it, that’s what demons feel.”

Tad!Adam doesn’t look happy at all at that thought, and neither does Aziraphale.

Crowley is a bit worried, because when Adam doesn’t like something, he usually does something about it. Last time, he took on Satan, to deal with Armageddon. But to deal with Hell, he would have to take on God, and that wouldn’t end well.

“And your life is nothing like that, I hope.”

Adam shakes his head.

“Why is yours?” he asks.

“Doesn’t matter. You have power over demons, which is a kind of a hint that you have ties to Hell. But you’re a second generation Demon or non-demon, and the rules for that might be very different. We don’t know.”

“What about Tad?” asks Tad!Adam. 

“If you’re an angel, you know,” says Aziraphale. “There wasn’t a point in my life where I didn’t know.”

Tad!Adam doesn’t think that was very helpful. “Tad, are you angry? Is your life bad?”

Adam!Tad shakes his head. “No.” 

“But you dad wants to kill you. He yelled at you. Are you mad at him?”

“Yes. I don’t like it.”

“But Uncle Az and Uncle Crowley are good, right? We’re all going to protect you. No need to hate everything that lives, no need to destroy it all, right?”

Adam!Tad nods emphatically. “That would be stupid. I can’t break things because I’m mad that they’re not whole.”

Tad!Adam gives him an admiring smile. “Tad, you’re really smart. You’re smarter than me! It took me a long time to learn that.”

Adam!Tad doesn’t have eye colors to radiate his joy with, but his face does the job pretty well. “Really?”

“I mean it! I used to believe that smashing it all and rebuilding it was the answer. But my friends told me that’s stupid, and I’m glad they did. They were right. You have to solve problems, not destroy them.”

Crowley grins at Aziraphale. “Makes you want to wish someone up there would have listened to a friend, doesn’t it?”

+

In the end, they let the topic rest, and Tad’s face continues to resemble Aziraphale’s.

The kids have a great day, Crowley has an even better day with his camera, and Aziraphale is going back and forth between amusement and worry.

They throw sticks for Dog who’s very confused about them. Crowley adds a swing to the biggest tree in the garden. Adam teaches his cousin to use it, and gets reintroduced to the sublime joy of mixing sand, soil and mud in return, and they spend quite some time debating whether earthworms tast as good as they look. (They do).

Their energy seems boundless, but Crowley notices that every so often, Adam!Tad takes Tad!Adams hand, so he probably still hasn’t figured out how to get energy on his own.

“We’re not doing so bad, raising an angel,” says Aziraphale, and Crowley shoots him a sideglance. Aziraphale isn’t even smug about it, there’s just a little bit less tension in his shoulders that tells Crowley knows Aziraphale is happy.

“What, by letting the Antichrist loose on him?” asks Crowley back, with an amused smile, and Aziraphale smiles too.

“It seems to work.”

“Mm, looks like it.”


	8. Chapter 8

“I zee you put some effort in your wardz. Nice try.”

“They’re supposed to keep Lord Hastur out and they work fine,” says Aziraphale politely. “Good afternoon, Lord Beelzebub.”

“Boys!” calls Crowley sharply, but the boys have already spotted the new person in the garden. Quickly, Tad!Adam rushes over to his cousin and takes his hand. Hand in hand, they face the Prince of Hell. 

“Hello.”

“Hello,” echoes the other.

Lord Beelzebub nods. “Adam Young. Tad Hastursson Fell. I’m here to talk to you.”

“Can we offer you a refreshment, Lord Beelzebub?” asks Aziraphale nervously. “Tea perhaps? Wine?”

“Coffee, black, with sugar.”

That doesn’t sound like the Lord of Flies intends to relax. Aziraphale, who doesn’t want to leave to make coffee, miracles a cup of coffee and a big sugar bowl right there, and Crowley miracles an ornate garden chair to go with it.

Lord Beelzebub sits down and starts heaping as much sugar into their coffee as the cup can hold.

The boys come closer after both Aziraphale and Crowley nods at them.

“Hellspawn, how are these two treating you? Any complaints?”

The boys exchange a look and then Tad!Adam answers. “No complaints. I’m fine.”

Lord Beelzebub takes a noisy sip of coffee. “Good. If you have complaints, let me know, I’ll fix the problem. Anything useful they taught you?”

Tad!Adam’s eyes flash through complacent green, amused teal and annoyed yellow. But he stays in character. “I can talk now. And I learned the difference between angels and demons.”

ZLOOOORP. “Really? What izz it?”

“There is none.”

For the first time in, well, ever, Crowley hears Lord Beelzebub chuckle. Just one short bellow. But wow. Either they’re sky high on caffeine and sugar, or there is a joke in this that he’s missed.

“Smart boy,” says Lord Beelzebub. “You’re right. The only difference is who’s in Hell, and who isn’t.”

They give Crowley a stare that he doesn’t like. 

“Lord Beelzebub, am I not a demon to you any more?”

“I have no idea what you are. You sure have slept your way up to whatever this is. But I’ll be damned again if I know what to call an angel or a demon who works for the Antichrist exclusively.”

“A celestial being will do,” says Aziraphale who would very much like to be called an angel, but won’t bring it up right now.

Lord Beelzebub snorts. “So, he’s not an angel then? Will Heaven,” Beelzebub’s whole body convulses in disgust at the word, “spare him once they roll out the next offensive against all evil, what do you think? Or will you make him join them?”

“Neither of us will join any war, I’m afraid,” says Aziraphale. “We haven’t changed our mind about that.”

Tad!Adam speaks up again, and he sounds a lot more like his Adam self this time. Not that Lord Beelzebub would know how Tad sounds.

“Why does there have to be a war?” he says. “What for?”

“So we can leave Hell,” says Lord Beelzebub, not in the sharp, clear voice they have for talking to demons, but in the soft voice they had for Adam back then on the airfield. “We’ve endured a long time of punishment and suffering because we knew that one day it will end. And end it will, one way or the other.”

“Then the other,” says Tad!Adam. “Without destruction. Find a better way.”

“What do you think, other boy?” asks Lord Beelzebub.

Adam!Tad gives them a thoughtful look. “Don’t break things in order to fix them. Your situation is broken, and more destruction isn’t going to mend it.”

He has the most sincere tone, and the sweetest voice, and Crowley now regrets that he has let Aziraphale do all the talking to him. Because damn, that is effective, and cruel. Lord Beelzebub is certain to recognize that preachy tone everywhere.

“I didn’t ask you to tell me what to do,” is Lord Beelzebub’s forseeable reply, although not as sharp as Crowley expected it. “I only asked what you think.”

“I have thoughts about what you should do,” says Adam!Tad, who obviously hasn’t learned how to lie yet, or how not to be rude to the Prince of Hell

The Prince of Hell preaches back. “Sometimes, you need to destroy what destroys you.”

Adam!Tad thinks about this. Compares his violently unhappy father to his two fostering parents who are an angel and a demon.

“They don’t fight,” he says and points to Aziraphale and Crowley. “And they’re happy.”

Lord Beelzebub looks at him for a long time, longer than either Crowley or Aziraphale like. Adam!Tad looks back at them without fear, just plain curious.

Then Lord Beelzebub huffs. “You know what, at this point we might just as well try that. Let’s marry off a few demons and angels, and see what happens.”

Crowley and Aziraphale share a very alarmed look, while the boys are grinning at each other.

“Will you find someone who makes my dad happy?” asks Tad!Adam, proving that there is enough of Lucifer in him.

Lord Beelzebub just throws him a dark look. “Don’t you tempt me, young Hellspawn. Careful what you wish for.”

They take out their phone and interestingly, a certain number seems to be programmed in.

“Michael? What, why are you anzzwering this call, I was looking for Gabriel. Oh, whatever. If any of you wankerzz can be bothered to get your feathered ass down here, I have a proposition to make. Yes, I know that now is not a good time, that’s exactly why I’m calling, what would we even have to talk about if things were as they should be? Seriously, could one of you idiots up there, just one of you, switch on your brain, just once? Oh, but don’t bother if it’s such a bad time. I’ll be happy to discuss the new plans with the Antichrist myself, with no interference from your side, that’ll make thingzz so much easier. Forget I called.”

They angrily end the call.

“Wanker!” they snarl.

“Michael can be a bit rude,” admits Aziraphale.

“And that’s why Gabriel is the messenger, not Michael, and Michael absolutely needs to stop policing all his phone calls just because we had phone sex once. I’m a demon, I don’t know what the expected up there.”

“Lord Beelzebub, please, there are children listening,” says Aziraphale who actually blushed at the idea of Lord Beelzebub and the Archangel Gabriel doing having any kind of intimate encounter.

“I sure hope they’re listening when I’m talking. I’ll be having another coffee.”

Aziraphale sighes and miracles up another cup, a bigger one this time, with space for more sugar.

There is a crackling noise in the air, and something heavy hits the protective charms that light up like a dome over the house and the garden, and a large Archangel has to use all of his wings to slighter down the side of it with some rest of grace.

Aziraphale wants to get up to let him in, but Crowley shakes his head.

“Leave him to me. You stay with the kids.”

+

“I see your wardz don’t just work on Hastur.”

Aziraphale smiles. “We’re taking protecting Taddie very serious.”

“You let me in.”

“I was under the impression that you also want Tad to be protected.”

“True. But Aziraphale, former Principality, former Guardian of Eden, now a celestial being that hasn’t Fallen, let me tell you: Tad is your last chance. You cost me Crowley, you cost me Ligur, and you cost us all the Antichrist. You’re on thin fucking ice, and it’s iced over Hell, so step carefully. If Tad Hastursson comes to any harm through you, or if this costs me Hastur, I don’t care who’s holding his hand over you, I’m coming for you.”

Aziraphale blinkes nervously and forces himself to hold his hands still. It won’t do to show weakness now. He can see that Tad!Adam watched them very closely, and he can’t wait for the boy to blow his cover. He really doesn’t want to give away their secret survival trick to the Prince of Hell, or anyone really. They hadn’t even intended for the boys to know.

“Even though it’s not certain he’s going to join your side?” he asks.

Lord Beelzebub shoots him a look. “Look at these two hellspawns. Angels talk about being made of love, but do they have spawn? We do. We demons do. That’s important. It’s something that hasn’t been taken away from us, and we’ll hold on to it.”

Adam!Tad whispers something in Tad!Adam’s ear, and the boys have a short whispered conversation.

“I want to change my name,” says Tad!Adam. “Sorry, Uncle Aziraphale. Tad H. Fell is fine, but the H has to be Hellspawn, not Hastursson. I agree with Lord Beelzebub that this is important.”

Adam!Tad nods. “And Hastur really doesn’t want a child. Then he shouldn’t have to be a parent.”

Lord Beelzebub smiles.

“That’s a good name change, Tad Hellspawn Fell. Hell approves. And you can call me Uncle Bee, the both of you, Hellspawn that you both are.”

Aziraphale smiles too, but nervously. He’s a bit sad that the kid doesn’t want to have a father’s approval. He wonders if resigning to this counts as Falling, and he would do everything to protect the child from that. But right now, there’s not a lot he can do.

“Tad,” he says, “when Gabriel comes, don’t change shape. It’ll be safer.”

The boys nod. 

“… my house, my garden, my rules, Archangel,” they hear Crowley from behind the hedge. “It needs to be safe enough for a child. Of course you can’t divebomb in here. What would be the point?”

“I was invited.”

“Not by me.”

“We’re about to have important things to discuss. You need to let me in.”

“The Heaven I do. There’s a child inside that I have to protect from the likes of you. I don’t trust you not to kill a child, Archangel Fucking Gabriel. You would kill anyone.”

“Only if I have to.”

“And I have no way of knowing if you think you have to kill this one. You’re not going near him. If Lord Beelzebub wants to see you, they need to find a better place to do so.”

“Demon Crowley, it’s unwise to stand in my way. You couldn’t really hold me back if I decided to go right through you.”

Inside the garden, Lord Beelzebub rolles their eyes.

“Gabriel,” they bark. “Stop menacing this idiot. Just give him your holy, unbreakable word that you won’t harm any Hellspawn today, and he’ll let you in.”

Aziraphale is very sceptical about this claim. Crowley has a very deep seated hatred for Gabriel, and Aziraphale has to admit, it’s not entirely unfounded. While he, as an angel, has found enough forgiveness in him to accept the same Prince of Hell who tried to sentence Crowley to death into his garden, said Prince has shown the redeeming quality of caring for Tad. A quality that Gabriel isn’t likely to have.

Lord Beelzebub grins as they see his face. “Gabriel, I’m waiting! We’re going to have this negotiation without you if you don’t know how to behave in a demon’s den.”

Without even so much as a hand motion, a garden table with uncomfortable chairs appears in front of Lord Beelzebub, and they wave the kids closer. “Come sit with us, boys, we need to talk, and I haven’t got all day. Heaven’s emissary can join us whenever he’s ready.”

+

Crowley makes Gabriel promise not only that he won’t hurt any Hellspawn at their place, but that he won’t hurt anyone.

Gabriel finds it unnecessary, he is an angel, after all. But he relents, because he knows Beelzebub will make good on their threat to start without him.

So in the end, he sits at the table with them, between Beelzebub and Crowley. Crowley and Azirphale are sandwiching the kids on the one side, and the emissaries of Heaven and Hell on the other. They really don’t trust anyone near the kids, and Crowley especially doesn’t trust Gabriel near Aziraphale.

“So,” says Gabriel, watching Tad!Adam closely, unable to hide his disgust. “This is Tad Hastursson Fell then? Aziraphale, really? You and Duke Hastur?”

Aziraphale gasps loudly at the insinuation. “Gabriel!”

“I’ve changed my name,” says Tad!Adam. “I’m Tad Hellspawn Fell now.”

Beelzebub cuts in. “Gabriel, there were two demons involved in his creation, I thought that was obvious.”

Gabriel doesn’t like that any better. “Another demon, too? So the Demon Crowley couldn’t pass a chance to get intimate with his old and his new flame at the same time? That probably should have been obvious.”

Crowley hisses at him, fangs bared. 

Aziraphale proves again that he has the patience of an angel, and also the ability to have the most punishing icy glance.

“Maybe we start at the beginning, things will be clearer if they’re properly explained.”

Gabriel relents reluctantly, and somewhat more readily when Beelzebub starts talking.

“I’ll start, because I know how it all began,” they say. “But first, Gabriel, these are Tad Hellspawn Fell and Adam Young, both demon spawn and today’s main item on the agenda. Boys, this is the Archangel Gabriel, messenger from Cloud Cuckoo Land.”

“Beelzebub, please,” says Gabriel.

“Overgrown Carrier Pidgeon with pretty feathers and a small brain, but infinitely more polite than any other Archangel I could name, so we have to take what we can get, I guess.”

“Beelzebub.”

“That’s Lord Beelzebub, we’re not on a date here, Archangel Gabriel, this is for work. Now, let me introduce today’s agenda. Is somebody taking notes?”

Crowley sighes and volunteers. He knows Aziraphale would give in, but he also knows that Beelzebub is peculiar about these things and it would take too long to teach Aziraphale what they want.

Beelzebub gets up from their chair and takes a deep breath. Crowley prepares to write a lot, but also records the whole thing on his phone. Lord Beelzebub will want fucking time stamps.

“So. Origin of Adam Young, short version.  
Parents: Lucifer and unknown entity.  
Appearance: Human, animal aspect: Dragon, unconfirmed.  
Affiliation: rebelled against his father and founded his own side. Lucifer is secretly very proud, by the way. I assure you the sentiment is not widely shared in Hell.  
Powers: unknown, but in any case too many

Origin of Tad Hellspawn Fell, formerly Tad Hastursson Fell.  
Parents: Duke Hastur, confirmed; Duke Ligur, confirmed  
Appearance: Human, with animal aspect of toad and chameleon  
Affiliation: unknown  
Powers: unknown

Questions: Are they Fallen? How many of them will there be? Whose side do they fall on?

These are question we’re going to discuss, and my opinion is: They are both Fallen, for now there will be no more of them but who knows, and they should both definitely fall on Hell’s side, I will riot and lead an army to Heaven’s doors if Heaven dares to touch them, and if Earth has a claim on them, I will hear it but make no promises as of now.”

Beelzebub sits down again.

“Questions?”

Gabriel lifts up his hand. “How did he come here, actually, how did they both come here, on Earth?”

“In a basket, both cases,” says Crowley. “Delivered by a demon. I mean, not delivered delivered, or was it? By different demons, that is? Anyway. Baby Antichrist was brought up from Hell by Hastur and Ligur, then handed over to me, I handed him over to the Order of St. Beryl, who handed him over to the Youngs. The other one, Tad, got handed to me by Lord Beelzebub.”

“And I took Tad from Adam, before Duke Hastur killed them both,” said Lord Beelzebub. “Adam?”

Adam!Tad lookes surprised, and has to have a whispered conversation with his cousin. 

“I took an egg out of Duke Hastur’s spawn without permission, but with good intentions, and encouraged it to hatch. I can’t raise a baby, and Duke Hastur wasn’t willing, so Lord Beelzebub brought him here.”

“Where we’re happy to have him,” says Aziraphale. “He’s growing and developing rather well, and we’re very proud. May I ask, Lord Beelzebub, why you consider the boys Fallen?”

Lord Beelzebub tilts their head. “Adam went against both God’s and Satan’s plan, directed by nothing else but what he wanted to happen. He has no Faith in anyone but himself. He couldn’t be further from God. Tad is a demon by birth. Don’t you agree, Angel Aziraphale?”

Aziraphale flicks a short glance at the boys. Tad is too quiet to pass for the Antichrist, they’ll have to be very careful. And Adam has way too much fun. “No, I don’t agree, Lord Beelzebub. It’s impossible to be born a demon. If Tad hasn’t actively Fallen, we must consider him an angel. And Adam is clearly not a demon.”

“The Son of Satan?” barks Gabriel, and Crowley grins. Of course Aziraphale had to. “What else would he be?”

“He must have been an angel in the beginning,” says Aziraphale. “He still technically might be, although his imagination and his ability to make choices clearly mark him as human.”

“The Son of Satan is not an angel,” insists Gabriel.

Lord Beelzebub allows themselves a small grin. “Not any more, I told you, he’s Fallen.”

“If he had been an angel, he would have been ours. If Tad is an angel, he’s ours, too.”

“Oh?” says Lord Beelzebub. “Is that so? You think you can rob a demon’s child and take it away? Is that angelic?”

“We do what is the will of the Almighty.”

“And did the Almighty tell you to kidnap the newborn Antichrist twelve years ago? Did She tell you to kidnap the newborn Hellspawn now? You didn’t even know they existed, or you would have demanded we hand them over. You’re not under any orders of your Head Office.”

Crowley can’t help admiring his former boss. Lord Beelzebub has no time for anyone’s bullshit.

“I, on the other hand, Gabriel, am under orders of mine. Lucifer himself wants new demons made. So far, the Antichrist is hindering him, but it’ll only be a matter of time. So, the question is: Will Heaven do the same, and try to create new angels?”

“No.”

“That was quick,” said Crowley, scribbling furiously. 

“Angels got created when the Allmighty sent parts of herself out to act as her limbs, her thoughts and her voice. No one else can go and create parts of the Almighty. It’s not possible, and even if it was, it would be blasphemous.”

“No one can? I think demons can,” says Lord Beelzebub triumphantly. “And we will.”

“No, you will not,” says Tad!Adam, forgetting for a moment that they’re swapped. “In Hell you can’t, and on Earth I don’t want you to.”

“And what will you do about it?” asks Lord Beelzebub. 

Tad!Adam has caught his mistake. “I will tell my cousin Adam, and then he won’t let you.”

“What’s going to happen with the rest of the spawn?” asks Crowley. “Hastur has told me there’s more.”

Tad!Adam looks at him, then at Adam!Tad, and they both shrug.

Lord Beelzebub answers that one. “Forget about the rest of the spawn. For any of that to hatch, Hastur, Lucifer and our dear Adam Young here would have to agree to release the lock they’ve put on them, and maybe hand them over to Adam Young. And the chance for them agreeing on that is zero.”

“Why would they have to hand them to Adam Young?” asks Gabriel, “And why are these two cousins?”

Lord Beelzebub rolls their eyes. “Hastur and Lucifer are related,” they say. “Don’t say you haven’t figured that one out.”

“No?”

Aziraphale finally puts the pieces together and looks at Crowley for help. Crowley ignores him.

“Nevermind,” says Lord Beelzebub. “Adam Young is at this point the only one who knows how to hatch a demon’s egg, and he’s not cooperating, but we’ll find someone who will. Which brings us to item three: which side will the new celestial beings fall on?”

“Our own,” say the boys, together.

Gabriel is not happy to hear that. “If the new celestial beings fall on the side where they’re raised on, we need to talk about how many will be raised in Heaven.”

“Not a single one,” says Lord Beelzebub. “You have your own spawn if you want some. You don’t get to have any of ours. But you haven’t heard the best thing yet, Archangel Gabriel,” says Lord Beelzebub, and for the first time in this meeting, they look amused. “Adam, Tad, whichever, tell him. Tell him about your great idea.”

It’s Adam!Tad who speaks up. “I’ve listened and asked questions, and I’ve learned a lot,” he says. His voice is still soft, but he looks Gabriel straight in the eyes, and there is a new undertone of certainty when he speaks. “I think there is no difference between angels and demons. I don’t think you can be born an angel and then ever not be one. If I cut off my finger, it’s still a finger, it’s still my finger, even though it won’t do what I want.  
There should be no reason for angels and demons ever to go to war against each other again. We want angels and demons to learn how to live peaceful with each other. Like these two. We want you to think about it, and give it a try.”

“What, marry off angels and demons?” asks Gabriel. “Oh, I see. I mean, obviously, the son of Satan can’t mate with humans if he turns out to be an angel. We know how these things turn out. So now he’s looking for approval to have a celestial companion like Aziraphale. Well, Adam Young, Aziraphale barely counts as an angel in this kind of scenario. You shouldn’t get your hopes up. It isn’t the will of the Almighty.”

Lord Beelzebub gives him a smile. It’s small, but it’s there, and Crowley thinks he’s hallucinating.

“But it isn’t NOT the will of the Almighty either,” they say. “You’re free to decide this one for yourself.”

“This is very much not the thing an Archangel decides for themselves,” says Gabriel. “I need to talk to Head Office.”

“But would you? If you could? Marry a demon?” asks Lord Beelzebub.

“Yes. Of course. Not any demon of course. It would have to be a very special demon.”

Crowley forms voiceless words with his mouth in Aziraphale’s direction. ‘They are fucking.’

Aziraphale looks properly scandalized. ‘I'm aware.’

“So you would go ahead and give a good example to your fellow angels, if Head Office goes along with this plan?”

“I’m not against talking about it further if I get permission.”

“I think we’re done with today’zz agenda then,” says, no, purrs Lord Beelzebub.

“There is one thing, if I may.” Aziraphale doesn’t really want to bring it up in front of Gabriel, but doesn’t know when he’ll see Lord Beelzebub again. “We would like to formally adopt Tad, please ask the Ruler of the Demons, the King of Darkness, if he would consider negotiating an arrangement.”

“A deal with the devil?” Gabriel has never been this disgusted. “And what will you offer him?”

“That will remain to be seen,” says Aziraphale firmly.

“I’ll pass it on, Angel Aziraphale. I’ll put in a good word for you, because you’ve been of great service, but don’t get your hopes up. Your chances aren’t good.”

“I know, but I want to try.”


End file.
